I had been planning all week to spend some time today writing, but as has happened on many occasions during the course of my illness, my body seems to have a different agenda. And it's fair to say, I'm pretty hacked off with it. By the time I was up, breakfasted, showered and dressed, I was exhausted, unable to do anything other than mindless activities sat on the sofa; the brain fog out in full force. It's taken me until lunchtime to be able to turn the laptop on, so I'm afraid this is only going to be brief.
Another cause of misery this morning, I've lost no weight this week, my second one of 5-2 fasting. In fact, I've put on a quarter of a pound. I know in effect it's only been 10 days, and is pretty early to see any impact, but I can't help reading more into it than that. Does this diet actually work? Can I really eat whatever I like five days a week? Not on current evidence. Not that I've had big blow outs each day I've been able to, but we did go out for Chinese after the cinema (large popcorn), and I woke up feeling desperately guilty about every mouthful the next day. And then there was the steak frites and cheesecake on Tuesday....... The idea of this diet was that the Guilt Gremlin permanently on my shoulder would shrink, but if anything he seems to have got bigger and more powerful as I'm constantly conscious of what I am or am not eating. In fact fast days are easier as there are no decisions to make, I can't have it.
My other task for today was baking a carrot cake which I had been really looking forward to making; the process itself more so even than the end result. Now it feels less like a treat and more like something else over which to agonise; to eat or not to eat. But I'm going to do my best to let it wash over me. It might be inedible after all! It's currently in the oven so I'll let you know.
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